I'll just put
Oflameo's and
Sprung's descriptions side-by-side for comparison:
Oflameo:
[Spoiler]- "The Cyclops is the single heaviest tank on the field. Its Tankbuster Cannon can smash lesser tanks into oblivion, and can shake walls down, allowing it to spearhead assaults against terraformed fortifications. Its preferred target is other heavy units, they are slowed significantly upon hit, preventing them from escaping from Cyclops's grasp. However, it turns like a tub of water, its short range makes it easy prey for advanced skirmishers or air attacks, and its slow rate-of-fire makes it vulnerable to massed raider attacks."
Sprung:
[Spoiler]- "The Cyclops is the single heaviest tank on the field. Its main gun is a hefty disruptor cannon designed to smash lesser tanks and other heavies alike into oblivion, slowing any survivors down to prevent escaping its grasp. However, it turns like a tub of water, its short range makes it easy prey for advanced skirmishers or air attacks, and its slow rate of fire makes it vulnerable to massed raider attacks. The heavy main cannon can shake walls down so it is somewhat able to spearhead assaults against areas with terraformed fortifications."
I'm liking some of both Sprung's changes and Oflameo's changes, though I do have some nitpicks with both of them:
- Oflameo:
[Spoiler]I'm liking the idea of replacing "its main gun, a heavy disruptor cannon," with the shorter "its Tankbuster Cannon", as well as splitting up the sentence to make it a bit easier to digest. Your proposed phrase also keeps my proposed idea of organizing the Tankbuster Cannon's strengths together into a more cohesive form, and putting the Cyclops's weaknesses after its strengths.
- Sprung:
[Spoiler]I'm liking the idea of how you shortened the phrase "its preferred target is other heavy units that can take the hit, but are slowed significantly upon hit, preventing them from escaping from its grasp" to a much shorter "slowing any survivors down to prevent escaping its grasp", though maybe I could trim it down even further (and improve some grammar)?
With the innovations behind each of your ideas in mind, perhaps I could refine and trim down the Cyclops's description even further, like so:
- "The Cyclops is the heaviest tank on the field. Its Tankbuster Cannon smashes lesser tanks into oblivion, and can shake walls down, allowing it to spearhead assaults against terraformed fortifications. Those that survive are slowed dramatically, making escape all but impossible. However, it turns like a tub of water, and its short range and low rate-of-fire makes it especially vulnerable to massed assaults by raiders, advanced skirmishers, and aircraft."
What I did was the following:
[Spoiler]- 1. Remove "single" from "the single heaviest tank on the field"
- 2. Replace "Its main gun, a hefty disruptor cannon," with "Its Tankbuster Cannon", as per Oflameo's changes.
- 3. Replace "can smash lesser tanks" with "smashes lesser tanks"
- 4. Split the Tankbuster Cannon's abilities into two sentences that are easier to digest, as with Oflameo's and
dyth68's changes.
- 5. Replace "to prevent escaping its grasp" with a more interesting and gramatically-correct "making escape all but impossible"
- 6. Better organize the weaknesses so that raiders, advanced skirmishers, and aircraft are closer together.
