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Reflections

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2 years ago
Tonight is the night before I finally leave for college. It's been a gap year and then a summer, and yet still nothing quite feels right.

Maybe it's the fact I expected it to feel more significant, maybe it's the fact that I really am about to go change my life forever by putting myself on a track to finally leave the country, presumably for good. It feels like things should be slower, but I'm already entering 300 level classes in my first year there, so I doubt I'll be there for very long.

Leaving people and things behind hurt far more than expected. At first I told myself that I'd be back every month to check on my friends and such, but soon enough this convenient reality I had come up became an impossibility. 10 hour roundtrip drives combined with no job lined up at school and a barely usable car has made this all too real. There is no easy way back once I go, the only way out is to pray I fight through my classes alright and get out of there in three-ish years.

But leaving most of my life behind in my small town along the Appalachians has also given me another strange question to answer: Did anything I do for the first 18 years of my life even matter? It seems like nothing I did in my early life will have long lasting practical applications past my first year of college, and after that it feels like I'll have to find some new grand way to prove myself just to end up in a job where I can work, retire from, and then realize I didn't leave a lasting impact in the end.

Sure I've ran tournaments, I established our local FGC scene at our town college, I started businesses, came up with the train factory, failed at (many) projects, and did many other things, but 5 years from now, when I'm gone from my country and no one remembers me except for a guy who did some project in the past...

Am I leaving other things and people behind, or am I leaving myself to be forgotten due to my own lack of effort?

+4 / -0

2 years ago
Presumably the things you have done developed skills which will be applicable to whatever you do next, and therefore will in the long run have "practical results" even if that has not eventuated yet.
+1 / -0
2 years ago
I would make a ZK comparison: how much do the initial units (your first 18 years) can say the influence the whole game? It is easy to dismiss one glaive as "not important", but in fact they might have had a tremendous effects, although it is hard beforehand (and many times after) to analyze that.

Then to continue with the ZK comparison, the "bigger units" (more obvious/clear impact/achievement) will always build up on the earlier ones (your early experience/economy etc.). Can't complain you have now only a welder - in 15 minutes you might have a cyclops!

I read at some point (sorry, no reference and can't remember the exact language) that a person "is" in 3 ways - how he sees himself, how others see him and how he objectively is - and that they will always be different from each other. It's good to try to keep in mind that it might be hard to assess yourself, that others might wrongly assess yourself and reality might be all different, so just do your best and be happy (as much as possible), rather than always compare/assess. Now, sounds easier said than done, I try and fail myself sometimes but at least I liked the idea so thought of sharing.
+4 / -0

2 years ago
you will find your way. you will meet new people. also, come back here and get lobbed at. we will be there. always.
+7 / -0


2 years ago
quote:
and after that it feels like I'll have to find some new grand way to prove myself just to end up in a job where I can work, retire from, and then realize I didn't leave a lasting impact in the end.


We all have to feed ourselves. Knowing that fact doesn't guarantee that your future will look so bleak. Keep doing things that you enjoy or are attracted to, whether you're working or not, and then most of the concerns that you listed won't even matter because you'll always be surrounded with worthwhile people or things to do.

Am I right in guessing you're leaving for Japan?
+1 / -0
quote:
failed at (many) projects


dude, i am a continuous fail since 1983!


quote:
Did anything I do for the first 18 years of my life even matter?


Speaking from my expierience:
What you LEARNED matters, and it will guide you through your life. You finished school. You organized tournaments. You learned japanese. You once told me (about games): "Yeah after some time I realised: Oh I am supposed to use my brain!" Which is probably one of the best things to learn ever. Be proud of yourself. You already achieved a lot, and noone can take that away from you anymore.

What you DID: some things will matter, some will not. But this is something one can only tell later in life. It`s too early to say anything. I am actually glad that most thigs I did as a child or juvenile do not matter anymore.

I honestly envy you for being able to have taken so much shit from members of this community. You came back with "Hi, you might remember me as the author of the famous train-factory." You just immiediatly outclassed the people mocking a kid back then. I would have just left hating this community forever.

Focus on the present now. Find out what you want and go for it. It DOES NOT MATTER if you have a lasting impact on the world. Don`t fall for that trap. You are a worthy human being, no matter what you achieve. The only thing that could discredit you is if you deliberatly make others suffer for your own benefit. (And just to be clear: People may apply unrealistic expectations on you or try to use you. This self-proclaimed suffering if you deny them their selfish needs is NOT what I am talking about).

I wish you all the best and hope we see each other as soon as possible again. :)

Good luck!
+8 / -0

2 years ago
I want to say, JPrankQrow you set a high standard!

My advice: keep respecting people and yourself, and follow your interests.
+2 / -0
2 years ago
Update: I've moved in, the internet is fairly deece and I have all my textbooks. Thanks for all the advice. Expect to see ZK streams soonish.
+4 / -0